Why Does My Teacher Refuse To Help?

Note: In "Dear Shira", city names and other details are changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

Dear Shira,

I've been studying with my belly dancing teacher for about two years, and now I'd like to start performing professionally. I still love going to class and working on my technique, but now I want to start learning how to get jobs, manage hecklers, negotiate fees, protect my personal safety when dancing at private parties in people's homes, and everything else that goes with becoming a professional. But when I asked my teacher to help me take that next step, she refused! She told me she didn't want me competing with her! I can't believe she thinks I would steal her jobs--not that I feel I have the skill to do that, anyway. How do I deal with this? Must I learn all these things "the hard way"?

--Held Back In Hackensack

Dear Hackensack,

You've basically asked two different questions: 1) Why won't your teacher help you break into the world of performing professionally, and 2) How do you get started as a pro?

First, let's talk about the problem you're having with your teacher. What a shame, that she is so unwilling to share! Unfortunately, this is a common problem. Different teachers have different reasons for being hesitant to help their students become professionals. Here are some of them:

Insecurity. Your teacher may be very insecure. Deep in her heart, she may hesitate to give too much encouragement to a promising student because she's afraid she's not good enough to compete against you for work.
Not So Successful. Maybe your teacher hasn't been particularly successful herself in running a successful career as a paid performer, and she may be embarrassed to admit that to you. She can't teach you what she doesn't know herself!
Selfishness. Maybe your teacher is selfish: she feels the need to be The Star, and she doesn't want to share her spotlight with anyone else.
Needs the Money. Maybe she makes a significant portion of her income from dance jobs, and she may feel that every other dancer out there is a threat to her livelihood. When people are tight on money, they behave much more selfishly than those who dance primarily for the joy of it.
Dog Eat Dog Attitude. It's possible that her teachers refused to help her get started as a pro, and she may think that that's just how it is out there: a dog-eat-dog world, where nobody helps anybody.
Busy. She may be very, very busy and doesn't have a lot of time available outside of class to mentor you.
Thinks You're Unsuitable. She might believe you're "unsuitable" in some way: she may think you are too fat or too old, your costume choices are too sleazy, your hairstyles too sloppy, etc. And she may not have the courage to come out and tell you that, so she uses this other excuse.
Cutthroat. Your teacher might be a cutthroat person herself who got started in the business by stealing jobs from her own teacher! Those who have been either victims or perpetrators of vicious behavior rarely help their students grow into mature professionals.
Thinks You're Not Ready. Maybe she doesn't think you're good enough yet to start dancing professionally. But rather than having the courage to tell you something negative to your face, she may find it easier to use this other excuse.
Expects Exclusivity. Some teachers will mentor only those students who take solely from them, and they will give less assistance to students that they know are taking from other teachers too.
Burned Before. Finally, maybe one of her other students in the past did steal jobs from her! Having been badly hurt once, she may have reacted by deciding not to put herself in a position to let it happen again.
Expects You to Pay Your Dues. Some teachers believe that a student should not be allowed to become a professional until she has somehow paid her dues. They may expect that someone should take lessons for "n" years before performing professionally, or they may believe she should perform in "n" student recitals.

These teachers haven't yet figured out that a student who wants to perform publicly will perform publicly, whether the teacher helps her or not. They may be nice people, but there's a common thread here: they are obviously more worried about promoting themselves and their own dance careers than they are about helping a students realize her full potential. They're happy to take your money for classes in which they show a bunch of moves, but they won't share tips for how to become a professional dancer.

If you like this teacher as a person, and still want to take classes from her, then you'll need to think about how to break through her reluctance to help you get started. First, think about the possible reasons for her refusal to help you that I mentioned above, and weigh them against other behavior you have seen from her. Do you suspect that any apply? If so, first try to see things her way -- would you feel threatened if the roles were reversed? Have you ever done anything in class that you thought was just innocent enthusiastic behavior that could possibly have been misconstrued? Once you think you understand why she is refusing to help you, then you can decide whether to give up on her or whether to try having a heart-to-heart talk with her. Above all, you have to earn her trust if you want her help.

Not all teachers are like the ones you've encountered. Some do share what they know, and help their students become pros. Unfortunately, such teachers do get hurt sometimes by unscrupulous students who take advantage of them and steal jobs from them, so generous ones can be hard to find. You might ask your local dancing friends whether they know of a local teacher whose attitude would be a better fit with what you're looking for right now. It's best if you can determine that up front--before investing another year in another teacher, call her up before you start taking her classes and ask questions like, "What opportunities do you present for your students to perform?" Listen carefully to her answer, and decide whether you'll get growth in the direction you want from her.

Now that we've talked about the teacher, let's talk about what you can do to get started dancing professionally. It's easier if your teacher will agree to mentor you, but there's nothing to stop you from taking initiative yourself.

If you don't have a lot of solo experience, before looking for paid gigs you might try doing a bunch of free ones: nursing homes, hospitals, community festivals, etc. Or, donate a performance by you to a silent auction benefiting a local non-profit organization. Just call these places up, ask for the activities director or entertainment coordinator and offer your services. Set the right expectations about yourself--if you haven't done any professional dancing yet, be honest and admit you're still an amateur who is ready to start pursuing professional gigs, but wants to do some complimentary shows to hone your skills in dealing with prospective employers and varied performance settings. Tell them one of the benefits you hope to achieve from doing such gigs is the opportunity to distribute your business card to a wide range of people who may be in the audience, and may be future prospective employers.

By starting your public performing career with some "community service" shows where you've set the right expectations about your performing experience, you won't be ashamed and the organization you dance for won't be angry if you do something totally stupid! Such gigs will give you the firsthand experience to know what kinds of questions to ask and situations to prepare for when booking a "real" job. These types of things are also reasonably safe because they're in public places. Come equipped with flyers and business cards to distribute.

After you have done some free shows, contact the local singing telegram companies directly and see what it would take to start doing gigs for them. Some may require you to audition, while others may ask you for references. Once they agree to give you a try, before your first gig ask if you can accompany one of their other messengers (it can be a singer, doesn't have to be a dancer) on his/her gig so you can see what the overall situation is like.

There are a couple of articles on my web site that may help you with your desire to start dancing in nightclubs, doing bellygrams, and other professional performances. Take a look, and see if they help:

Also, you might join the med-dance list on the Internet and pose your questions about becoming a professional dancer there. The med-dance list is a group of belly dancers on the Internet who simply talk about their shared interest in belly dancing. Some are well-known professionals like Morocco, while others are brand-new dancers. This group contains many members who are very willing to share what they know. Information on how to join it is on my Links page.

Good luck with your new performing career!

--Shira